Years and Counting

Aion

2009-10-07T12:58:50Z

Well I'm getting back into online gaming. Though it's much harder for me to get back into it I find. Not because I don't enjoy it but because I just feel a lack of motivation. Perhaps when I upgrade my RAM I'll be more excited. As is eh...

Disgruntled

2009-05-02T23:43:25Z

Nothing irritates me quite like arguing. I tend to end arguments angrier than when I started and it bothers me for days. Literally days. I don't walk away from an argument content that I've proven my point I walk away infuriated that the other person can't, won't, or didn't see what I saw. I know this makes me a horrible person, but it's the truth. But, what bothers me the most about an argument is when you reach a boiling point the argument ends for one reason or another and the other person drops it and is blissfully content that they "won" the argument. Nobody ever wins an argument. You just fight until you're blue in the face then you fight some more. You don't convince someone of something different in an argument because neither side is willing to give any ground or it wouldn't be an argument it would be a flipping discussion so stop being so flipping smug. ARGH

Unknown

2009-03-31T11:55:10Z

I feel rather guilty, happy, confused, angry, and an assortment of other emotions right now. My sister is currently awaiting trial for a crime I'm pretty well sure she didn't commit. With her history and that of her husband I really don't know what to think. They may both end up in jail for a very long time, but the kicker in all of this is that she told me today that she is pregnant. My little sister is pregnant. Pregnant and possibly going to jail. I'm happy, I'm angry, and confused.

She'll probably get out of jail. I hope at least. I don't think, especially with her background, that she could have done what they say she did. But, that doesn't explain why all I can think about is the possibility that she'll end up in jail having the baby. What's more I keep envisioning myself taking care of the kid while she's in jail. I don't know if I could even do that were it the way things went but I keep thinking about it. All I know is that I want to be a part of this child's life. As always I'd prefer my sister get out of jail but even then being Uncle would be a good thing I think. It could be a very good thing.

Big Blue

2009-03-09T12:45:19Z

I have long been under the impression that Americans tend to fixate on sex. Have a kiddy movie with a lead female with a large bosom and every teen and his father will be obsessed with her image. A scantily clad woman in a national geographic automatically registers as a porno. What I didn't know was that for all the attention drawn to the female form, especially when it's naked, Americans are obsessed with the phallus. In the movie Watchmen a character (Dr. Manhattan) has several scenes with full frontal nudity. There is no focus being drawn to the characters genitalia but for some reason this just blows peoples minds. Nudity is great if it's a woman but if a male member is visible then there is blatant gay porn thrown in. (not that 51% of the world pop is female or anything. I'm just saying.) It's driven people to distraction where they can not judge the movie on anything but big blue. (Dr. Manhattan is a glowing blue human. *shrug*) At any rate I eagerly await the day that people don't obsess about such trivial things. I'll be waiting for quite a while I know.

The funny we find on the net.

2008-12-11T08:49:42Z

HERMODYNAMICS OF HELL
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Morrison during my freshman year, "...that it will be a "Cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given

... Yeah, i want to meet this guy...

Random crap.

2008-10-19T08:06:34Z

If you are on my friends list, I want to know 36 things about you.
I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other.
Short and sweet is fine... you're on my list, so I want to know you better!
Comment here and repost a blank one on your own journal.
It's not all bad eh?

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) Favorite band to listen to when you're mad?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Too Awesome

2008-10-18T16:27:41Z

I read a semi popular webcomic called sinfest. Normally he's just funny but as of late he has blown funny out of the water and produced pure unadulterated AWESOME!!! As such I must post the appropriate links so that people or rather a certain someone *cough* Jo *cough* can share the AWESOME!!!

p.s.
let me know what you think...
I know Awesome right?

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2931
http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2945
http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2952

Political satire plus Star Wars is greater than or equal to the word.

Long pause

2008-09-18T12:46:57Z

So needless to say I haven't posted in quite some time. It happens. My car has tons of problems with it, finances are tight, and eharmony is the tool of Satan. Aside from that life is good.

All around me they are getting married.

2008-09-02T10:40:54Z

So Yet another one of my old high school friends got married. I feel really bad because I didn't make it to the wedding. Major foul up with my credit card, shopping, and phone. Needless to say it was one of those days that was just dead set against me doing anything productive. I will have to do something special for him when he gets back so that he knows that I really am sorry that I didn't attend.

I on the other hand have turned to online dating services. Maybe I can meet someone nice there. Considering just how easy it is for me to attend social outings this might be the way for me to go. On the other hand after being a part of it for three weeks I've determined that online dating services are made to promote suicidal tendancies. My goodness, these people close matches as fast as they open them. It feels like some days I open the site just to see who rejected me. Meh I have one prospect so I guess I'm happy.

PAX was fine I guess. Well as fine as it could be considering that it was insanely hot, crowded, and I swear people went out of their way to bump into me. No worries I've still got my wallet and keys and no one seems to have stabbed me or stuck a needle into me. Yeah I'm not going back to PAX. I bought a 3 day pass, spent 4 hours there EARILY in the day realized that even though there were several groups I wanted very much to see, it was not worth me being in a crowd that large. Then I took off to go watch Babylon AD. DO NOT go see Babylon AD. You're better off renting an old copy of Last Action Hero. You know the absolute worst Arnold movie ever made. I hope I've made my point.

Well for all that sounds jacked up things are going well I guess. Well, things are going on par for me at least. Which is to say very midle of the road.

Because it looks fun

2008-08-13T13:46:49Z

RULES:
_ Pick your birth month.
_ Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
_ Bold (or italicize) the statements that best apply to you.
_ Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under a lj-cut.

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. ~~Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses~~. ~~Likes to criticize~~. Hardworking and productive. Smart, ~~neat and organized~~. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. ~~Quiet unless excited or tensed~~. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.
-
FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
-
MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves travelling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
-
APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
-
MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
-
JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
-
JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
-
AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
-
SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
-
OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
-
NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.
-
DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

So Sexy

2008-07-14T13:58:10Z

Confidence is sexy
Being fit is sexy
Being successful is sexy
Being happy is sexy
Being certain is sexy

In my everyday life I come across the idea that all these things are sexy. Not even so much sexy as just appealing. A while back I was going to a movie with a friend of mine who just so happens to be a model and I asked her completely out of the blue (for her anyways) "Am I just the ugliest mother fucker out there or what?" I can honestly say that I've never had a problem surprising people. See the thing is, I'm not confident, I'm not fit, I'm not successful, I'm not certain, I don't even know if I'm really happy most of the time. Why?

A friend of mine told me that even though I told him some of the things that bothered me that according to him I look and act like a perfectly well adjusted and happy person. My family is convinced that I need to go back on medication. And, a friend of mine recently had a chance to go over some of the aspects of my personality that he didn't quite understand in a rather insulting heart to heart. He lightens the mood by insulting me in humorous ways. It's a cross between feeling worse and getting angry and just laughing at the stupidity of any given situation. He is very funny.

I don't think I'm following a clear train of thought here but this is how I have to express it. I'm not suicidal. I'm not living on the street. I can afford to live. (mostly, have you seen gas prices?) I don't know that I could live alone though. It's not a financial thing but more of an emotional thing. Maybe I need someone else to be happy. I found myself happier than I had been in years when I was dating my ex. Maybe it's natural. But, shouldn't I be happy and fine by myself? I've spent years trying to feel better about myself telling myself that I would be a horrible match for someone because I wasn't comfortable with myself. In turn all that has happened is time has passed and I feel worse because I'm older and still in the same situations I was before.

The world isn't pink flowers and strawberry kisses. I'd rather it were but it's not. I find myself angry, and sad, and lonely with no real reason. I can drive myself to distraction but that only lasts for so long and then you find yourself hating yourself for not being more productive during that period. I look at what I've done with my life and I find that it doesn't amount to anything. I need answers. I need hope. I need peace. I need to stop whining on LJ about this. But, this is where I vent. This is where I express myself without worry or fear. A bit of frustration and anger occasionally but never fear.

She told me that I was a different kind of handsome. The model told me that. My ex told me that she just wasn't attracted to me. So maybe I'm not sexy. Maybe I'm not attractive. I can run down a list a mile long of things that I'm not. But, what am I?

*disclaimer*
The world isn't coming to a crashing halt. Nothing extraordinarily bad has happened. These things always run through my mind. These are my fears and worries put to my journal. Nothing more. However, I feel that my journal is the only place I can express them so I apologize if I seem like I am always a downer.

Mysti

I kissed a girl

2008-06-19T11:38:08Z

Ok I didn't kiss a girl but the name of the song is I kissed a girl... it's actually very pleasing to listen to though the obvious meaning of the song is inherently incorect since she stated that it's about the blatent sexuality of the femine figure and the power it holds. She didn't actually kiss a girl sooooo... yeah.
Anyways it's a nice break from all the jazz I've been listening to lately... Yes that's right I listen to a morning show in *gasp* the morning and switch to the jazz station for the rest of the day. I think I'm getting old. If not physically then mentally. Either that or I was always old... *shrug*

As per usual I'm being stalked by Idiocracy. The Idea that we are breading stupid into the population and breeding out inteligence I think is just rediculous. People are people and the people who think that everyone is getting stupider I feel are too self obsorbed and self important to see beyond their noses. (I can't spell for the 8 millionth time I'm sorry). Anyways That's about where that stands. I don't want to write for too long as I'm back to writing again and I'm hoping to get some actual work done this morning. well love you all... Even if every time we talk it seems we fight Urs... I still love you like a sister.

inbetween

2008-05-23T07:26:49Z

It's been a long time since I've gone off on one of my rants and that could well be because it appears that another person may or may not know of my live journal existence. Never the less I will rant because that's how I operate.

I am once again finding myself bombarded by complaints. People raising their voices in hopes of making their cause known. This is mostly "feminists", atheists, and actually a few other groups which I won't mention at the time. What bothers me to no end is that they feel that I am their oppressor. That I somehow have every right that they lack and that I reap benefits that they have to struggle for. What bothers me is just how ignorant so many of them are. Look at least two of you already know and if you didn't it's not a giant surprise, I don't have the absolute that so many others out there do. I'm Christian but I'm not a fundamentalist. I'm a man but I identify sooo much more as a woman. (Lord my friend explained to me how I have only done female bonding since I've known her. Mind you its stereotypical talking about clothes and such but never the less she laid it in front of me with a smile and a laugh.) I am a decidedly black but I fit into neither white or black racial groupings. I live in between all of these things and the only way for me to fit in is to pretend that I'm one or the other. I can keep my mouth closed and make everyone happy or I can speak up and be miserable as well as not accepted. There really never seems to be a happy place. Even something so simple as wanting to grow my hair long draws all sorts of controversy within my family.

Yet I am the oppressor. When a black man hits his wife people look nervously at me. I've scarce been in a relationship in the past 10 years much less been physically aggressive. When women sing songs about how men are all lying cheating bastards and everyone cheers them on in their rampage against men, yet I've never cheated or come close to doing so. In point of fact I've been cheated on twice. (thus explaining my lack of relationships lol) It feels to me that I am always the bad guy by way of birth. I'm an abomination in Gods eyes, I'm the Oppressor, I'm not black enough, I'm this I'm that I took that from another person. I want to crawl in a corner and cry. I want even more to take a bat and kneecap everyone with it. I want to hide in the woods until I grow old and hopefully no longer care. I am NOT what people think of when they look at me.

This isn't a pity party. I don't want people thinking I'm looking for sympathy. I want people to stop pushing special interest groups and start pushing humanity. I don't support women's rights, men's rights, black's rights, white's rights, gay rights, straight rights, theists rights or atheists rights. I support human rights and I'm sick and tired of people accusing another group because theirs doesn't receive the same privileges. Everyone should be able to marry. Rape isn't a crime against women it's a crime against humanity. It's not a more of a crime if you do it to a woman or a minority. It is the same crime against everyone.

A wise man once said "You can't make one person strong by making another person weak." I just wish people would understand that.

Avatar

2008-04-28T10:24:03Z

See I don't mind being a geek. In fact I take pride in it. So lets get this out of the way. Ha ha ha... Avatar is back... Ha ha ha. Meiko is back... Boiling Rock is amazing... I'm out.

Makes everything better.

2008-04-01T09:02:23Z

So yeah obviously I've been in a bit of a funk lately and that's just how it goes. However, what makes me laugh is the first thing to make me genuinely laugh today/tonight. Swordchucks. Hey when you need something funny 8-bit theater is the way to go. Swordchucks for the win.

And it's over.

2008-03-26T07:52:19Z

Yep, she dumped me. Via e-mail no less. I knew she had moved on a while ago and I posted that every word she said sounded to me like goodbye. Well it was. Maybe I should be relieved. I'm not in suspense anymore about wheter or not she's comming back to me. She was gone before she left. I really don't blame her and I know that she... ... I don't know anything. Honestly I'm crushed and I want to curl up in a ball and disapear. I feel like an undesireable. she enjoys conversations and my intelligence (whatever) but the idea of a physical relationship doesn't apeal to her. She's not attracted to me. Well I understand that but It does leave me wondering if anyone will ever be. I don't want to be a mean and resentful fifty year old single man. That is one of my greatest fears. That I will be alone.

So in my infinite wisdom using that keen intelect that she fancies I have started to consider crabbing up in Alaska. Six months of misery but I can come home with enough money to get things on the track I want them to be on. My brother said he could completely see me doing that. Mystchevious on The Deadliest Catch. The thing is it doesn't solve my problems at all. I'll just be another year older with the same problems and even less ability to interact socially.

This of course brings up the fear that I didn't love her so much as I loved the way she made me feel. That she quieted one of my fears for a while. That I loved the idea of her? But I did love her. I do love her. She makes me laugh. She makes me smile. She makes me cry. I really don't know what I'm going to do. The one thing I know I'm going to do however. is something I almost never do anymore. I am going to cry. And then I'm probably going to be angry about it. And when I see her next I'm going to put on my best shit eating grin and I'm going to pretend that I am strong enough to handle this. I'm going to try to keep an attachment to her as a friend. Though the odd part about this is when I first realized I could touch her I really didn't see her as a threat. I didn't picture her harming me in any way. But she hurt me in a way that few people ever have the chance to. And it's going to show. So I'll smile at work for the tenants. I'll smile at Sakura con for my friends. And I'll smile around my friends for her. But I'm going to cry right now because I don't know what else I can do. Like I said I don't know anything. Maybe when I turn into that 50 year old bastard the right woman will come along and hell not even the right woman some random woman will come along and decide that she has finished everything that she needs to and settle for me. And maybe just maybe I'll be able to smile for her and convince myself that everything is alright. Melo drama sucks but this is how I feel.

Heavy heart, distant mind

2008-03-20T12:21:42Z

Well all I would say that I am feeling distinctly bad about something or someone but I can't. I've been sooo tired lately that I can't concentrate long enough to figure out what exactly is bothering me. Finances, my lady friend, my friends, the lack of good television I don't know. BTW I'm soo tired of watching Reva... dang sister. Seriously though I can't seem to get rested at all and even when I am sleeping people keep calling me or I have plans so I wake up constantly to prepare for them. I wish I could just snuggle up to my lady friend and sleep for a year. I need sleep but even though I can't really focus on any of these things they keep me distracted and in constant disaray. I think I might just have to wait for my body to crash to recover. At this rate it won't be long.

Tear

2008-03-18T07:55:37Z

I absolutly hate it when everything you say to a person and evrything they say back comes across as a sad parting.

So I was talking to my lady friend about this and I don't know how she really feels about it but I have decided that there needs to be a movie about a "Nice guy" who gets shafted by his girl so she can be with her "prince charming". They make a movie about it and it becomes wildly famous and the "Nice guy" being forced to relive this event over and over with no real resolution grabs a weapon, I was thinking gun but baseball bat is better, and goes nutts. It could be an entire falling down thing where he just wants to get away and everyone keeps pressing his buttons so he has to kneecap them. Then he tries to buy a pop and the movie is in the movie vending machine. (you know the type I'm talking about.) So he tears the place up. Eventually he gets to a point where the cops have to take him down and yeah that's about where I am with that... just saying the being a nice guy bit Sucks Fucks. You heard me Sucks Fucks.

Following the exact same line of thought the sara bareilles song - Fairytales pisses me off too. The Idea that women don't want to settle for the next best thing and are always after that guy. Yet somehow I'm always the next best thing. Yeah maried people and lesbians think kindly of me and wonder why I have a hard time with women but shy of that I'm just the next best thing because people aparently have more living to do before they have time to be with boring old me. I should just go get some cats now I have a few years before they are ready to settle down. ARGH...

So yeah back to my original statement I haven't stopped caring for my ladyfriend. Hell if nothing else I feel soo much now that when she kisses me I can feel how distant she is and it hurts like hell. I knew she would drop me for the next guy but goodness I didn't expect there to be three other guys at the exact same time. What really throws a wrench into all this is that I know she cares for me but it's not love. She knows it's not love, I know it's not and I honestly don't know what to do save let nature take it's course. So no tearing the competition to shreds... though the Idea is very aluring we all know that I am not that kind of person... Though I really really want to sometimes...

So yeah... It is an experience that I'm alltogether tired of... When every word you say and every word she says back means goodbye.

Strength

2008-03-10T08:17:39Z

I was talking with my boyfriend a short while ago and we happened up on the toppic of strength. Obviously not physical strength but emotional. It occurs to me that she is a much stronger person than I am. I have, for a very long time now, avoided any situation where I really just put myself out on the line and lay my emotions bare. It's hard for me to do because who I am and the persona people percieve are rarely the same thing. It's akweird for her because she doesn't know the giant imposing unapproachable me. She's always seen the softer side of me and that often leads to people looking at her going "HUH???X.x"

I digress. She on the other hand is dealing with her problems head on and though she doens't know where she's going with all of this I don't think she's making her way through the path stickers and all. I feel that I might be growing alot being with her. Although I won't lie and say it's all roses and candy corn. Often times when she starts refering to her ex or Mr. Oregon, as I like to call him, I find myself uneasy. I knew when I got into this relationship that she couldn't commit herself to me and for pete's sake we've gotten much closer since I've known her this past month than I really though we would. But, I know I'm constantly in contention with whomever might make a pass at her. If he's Mr. Right now then I am going to be back on the bench watching the game played without me and I don't really have a leg to stand on since I allowed this from the get go. So yes even just knowing this causes me a lot of emotional pain. I've been lying in bed with her pressed up against me and I've felt like breaking down and crying because I really do love her that much. And, I feel like I'm grasping as champaign when try to keep her.

Conversly to all of this she tells me that I'm very important to her and she calls herself my girlfriend and God in heaven if I don't feel like I'm on top of the world. I know I fill a part of her heart be it small or large I know that she cares and I think that is what gives me the most strength these days. So hun if you are reading this (despite me telling you in no uncertain terms not to.) I love you and I pray the day comes that when you say it to me you mean it like I mean it. From the bottom of my heart.

1d4 minutes of silence please

2008-03-05T11:38:25Z

So when I was younger John Candy died and I swore that I wouldn't get torn up about another celeb death and for the most part I haven't. Until now. Now I'm not crying but God in heaven if I don't feel sad.

Gary Gygax age 69 died March 3rd. 2008 of a stroke.

The man co created D&D and helped mold and shape several generations. Looking back I would be a very different person were it not for D&D, and that person would not be a very nice one. Before D&D I got into a lot of fights and I had some pretty bad friends. Through Role Playing and video games I've met some of the greatest people. Friends I hope to have forever. So Mr. Gygax I thank you for every thing you have done intentionally and unintentionally. May angels carry you swiftly to your eternal reward.

1d4 Minutes of silence please.

My Boyfriend

2008-03-03T08:19:51Z

Well the young lady I am currently dating and I told a weird joke about how she is the one wearing the pants in the relationship. This is in part due to the fact that we will both be crossdressing for a ball this year at a convention. As such I refer to her as my boyfried and she as her girlfriend from time to time. This talk is usually followed up with an intimate discussion about what we would name our twin blackenese Ninja Pirate babies were we to have any. It's all done in jest and fun.

We did have a serious discussion this weekend at the begining of our well weekend. We had previously enjoyed a sunset a stroll on the beach (looking for a fire pit that was no where to be found mind you.) and a delicious dinner, when she started confiding in me about the two other men in her life. One is her prior boyfriend and though things have ended between them she often thinks fondly of him and I don't really mind seeing as they both realized that they were not for each other. The other one she thinks she may fall in love with. As she described her feelings I, well it kinda stung since I wasn't really in the picutre. Turns out that she does care about me on a more emotional/mental level. (physically I guess I'm not her ideal guy but I'm also not repulsive so eh.) Needless to say I am reminded that she is too good for me and will one day leave me. However the fact that she cares enough to think of me means soo much more than I can put in words.

heh what can I say? I love her. And, aside from my sisters doomed plan to move her vehicles from her previous place of residence I had an absolutly wonderful weekend.

Rage + 1

2008-02-23T19:44:40Z

My sister just turned a $36 4'6' dual sided, dry erase, hex and grid gaming matt into a kitty litter water proof (cries) floor matt. I think I may just have to confront her... ARGH...

Torn

2008-02-23T12:58:16Z

I feel like one of those desperate women lately. The ones that are always talking about how they can change their boyfriend/husband. "he'll change if I can only..." Only thing is there is nothing I really want to change about this girl. She's beautiful, she's funny, I think the word we agreed on tonight was bubbly. *chuckle* The worst part of it is is that she is all of these things and more, and she's not ready to settle down or at least it probably won't be with me. Funny thing about age. When you are young it's a huge thing but as you get older it becomes less and less relevant. Well I'm at the point where I don't really care that she is younger than me but I am ready to settle down. Find someone and just be in that warm and fuzzy place. She on the other hand though not much more rambunctious than me is still... Well she hasn't seen enough of the world to decide just yet I don't think. So she will go off and be with someone else and I can't fault her for that one bit.

I told her I loved her tonight and, funny thing, she told me she kinda thought I did, just a little. I on the other hand could have sworn that the neon sign, search lights, and newspaper adds were a dead giveaway. Shows how little I know. She didn't say she loved me back in so many words but I at least know that I am special to her. At least in some way.

If this doesn't work out then who knows I may resort to internet dating services. The irony of that is that I still have major touch issues. How weird is that. "Hi nice to meet you... Ooooh Lord please don't touch me." Yeah turn off or what? I don't know things will work themselves out in the end. I really hope that the thing I have with the wonderful lady I'm with now works out. At least that it develops into something more. I don't mean physically. We are both virgins and I'm really not ashamed of that. The fact that she's saving herself and I don't know what the hell I'm doing is a bit distorting but it is what it is. But if it doesn't work out I wonder if I'll be end up with some woman several years older than me? I really can't imagine myself dating a 40 year old just because that decade really reminds me of my mother. *shivers* Now I love my mother but, Lord in Heaven, not like that.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not torn at all. I do in fact love this girl. Imperfections, if you can even call them that, and all. But, I know somewhere that it isn't going to go the way I want it to. Again Bitter sweet but sweet all the same.

God bless you all.
Mercedes

Bitter Sweet Rage +6

2008-02-11T08:58:53Z

Ok look I know this is the most conflicting post I've done in ages so just bear with me. I have recently started dating this young lady who, Heaven help me, is fabulous. She's beautiful, she's intelegent, she's funny. She's free. She recently broke up with her partner of four years and is now dealing with it and casually dating. I am fortunate enough to be able to be a person that she is casually dating. I know that means that she's free to date other people as well and if she should find someone who she is more fond of I know that I'm out the door. Friends but not a datable friend at that point. She knows that I would love to date her exclusivly but I wouldn't put that kind of preasure on her. She needs time to heal and if I'm the rebound guy then hey. So every time I see her I am thrilled. I am happy I can't wait to put my arms around her. Not even a sexual thing most times I just love that feeling of being near her. And every time we are about to part I all comes crashing down again. The reality of the actual situation. It's really a bitter sweet situation. I hope I'm not just saying this. I hope I mean it from the bottom of my heart but, no matter what happens I am going to be a better person for having had the chance to be with her. She is really helping me come out of my shell as far as personal boundries and Lord knows I haven't been with a woman in a decade. It's about freaking time.

So we've covered bitter sweet now lets get onto rage. As a person of color it has been pointed out to me that I am extremely angry. That is probably a fair anylsis. I recently built up the nerve to cross play at the up comming convention. It was only for a few hours and it would be silly fun. When the guy who was heading up the voulenteers figured out who I was he decided "Yeah lets see you in something other than a dress. Is that ok?" and the look on his face was, I swear to God revulsion. This comming from the guy who puts all his notes into a folder with picutres of him cosplaying AND FUCKING CROSSPLAYING him fucking self. I sat there and looked him dead in his eyes and said OK FINE. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge push over but that I will on the drop of a dime decide that I hate someone and do nothing for them and hate them well forever. This is definately one of those cases. He proceeded to dump all his responsability on the young lady I am dating and then later on decided that It would be best if I were in charge of taking all the pictures. You know to promote this for furure cons. So Let me get this fucking straight, I think to myself. You want me to dress up as a guy so that I don't stand out and on top of that you want me to take pictures so I can't be seen in any of them. Would you like me to fucking hide in a corner as fucking well... who knows someone might accidently assume that I am a part of the same fucking commity that you are. Shit Why don't I just FUCKING JUMP IN FRONT OF A GOD DAMN CAR AS FUCKING WELL!!! You know. If I'm not fucking there I can't be a GOD DAMN EMBARASMENT TO YOU. OH MY FUCKING GOD I WANT TO KILL THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!. I'm fucking hurt that he out right decided that I shouldn't crossplay. I know I don't look like a fucking girl. That was never the fucking intent. But, ARGH!!!!!! So yeah that fucking hurts then for him to try to shove me behind a camera so I can't be seen. Oh yeah lets also not forget that his use of Grammar has further dictated that I'm not really part of the group. "Yeah so you'll be a waiter... Ok so all the Waitresses will line up and greet people at X time and then head to their stations." Look I try my fucking hardest not to be a God Damned hypocrit and I feel right now that I should make it so he isn't a hypocrit. See if I cut off his junk and shove it down is fucking throat it's not crossplay now is it?

I appolagize I am very angry and I have no actual intent of causing him physical pain. I very well may however just distance myself from this whole thing and... I don't even think I can do that without feeling angry. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. What I do know is that Whatever it is I need to be calm when I talk to this fucktard or I may very well say something that I shouldn't. Or if I have had a drink I may crack his skull... Good thing I don't drink in public now isn't it?

Going back to a previous statement I am a very angry person. Anyways, now that the young lady I am dating has more or less control and dipshit has decided that he's going to mexico for the entire fucking thing... Oh yeah did I mention that? Yeah he's setting things up and dumping all the responsibility on someone else and going to Mexi(fucking)co. ARGH!!! Anyways, she has said that if I want I can crossplay. Well confidence shattered, and trepidation setting in much more than it had before I think I'd rather just beat his skull in with a stool... (again I won't physically harm this young man no matter how much I really want to)

I may just dress up in a rented tux and be miserable. Chalking another con up to the god why did I even bother category. Though the potential for this con to suck even more is rather likely. Especially with several young men, the girl I am dating has made out with, showing up. Casual dating is fantastic and horrible at the same time. I just have to remember that I agreed to this and that she is worth it. Though all I need to do is spend time with her to realize that she is worth it. Better than I am at least. Well this rant has gone on long enough. I'll leave you be... I'm going to go listen to Johny Cash's cover of hurt for a few hours and try to channel the confusion I feel into a story. Remember Emo Kids Suck.

Well if you have advice let me know...

XOXOXO

2008-02-05T08:34:27Z

The Giants won the Superbowl... and I got a Kiss and a Hug from the girl who has my heart. Litterally. I got a red crystal heart a few days ago for being in the audience at komo 4. ($85 value go fig.) I gave it to her in a box packed with hershey's kisses. After Gladiator Monday we rocked out to rock band for a little while and when I dropped her off she gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. So you tell me which do you think I care about the giants or the girl...

hint.
if you said Giants you need to have your head examined.